“Anastasia! Come down from that vehicle immediately!”

 

Kathy with a K stepped up beside me on the sidewalk, her startingly red head cocked. “No matter how many times I see it, I still marvel how she gets up there so stealthily.”

 

I plucked my errant wife from the top of Kathy with a K’s sport utility vehicle before she could throw herself off it. We were in Day 4 of house hunting and Anastasia’s fling count was at least triple that. Kathy with a K had taken my wife’s, ah, foibles, in stride for which I was grateful.

 

In truth, we were both getting frustrated. There were no forts or proper castles in The Mouth of the Rat. There were a large number of what Kathy called “ranch” style homes, single level squat buildings with strange tiled roofs and personal ponds in the back but no moats surrounding them. The exterior walls were too low to keep out any determined soldier, let alone the fellow landowners that sat cheek by jowl beside them.

 

How skirmishes hadn’t broken out on the daily between them, I couldn’t fathom. I hadn’t thought such places would be so difficult to procure but every time we submitted ‘an offer’ to the owner, we were almost always too late. My despairing darling had stepped up on the curb and tried to fling herself off dramatically, a difficult task considering how close it was to the ground.

 

I swear, the woman is pathological.

 

As I swung her up into my arms, Kathy briefed me on our progress. “It is quite disappointing, I know, but we mustn’t give up hope. It’s a seller’s market right now and very competitive.”

 

“Do you know the name of the other buyer?” I asked. “I will challenge him to combat for right to the property.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

 

“Oh, Vlad, you nut,” Kathy with a K said with a laugh that sounded like several cats being tortured, “you have such a wicked sense of humor!”

 

There was nothing humorous about what I said. I would meet this person for single combat, kill them, and take the house as my prize. Problem resolved.

 

“Is it possible to purchase the house beside this one?” I asked. There was more than one way to impale a man. If I could gain a foothold in the area, I could lay siege to the land we desired and take it for my own, conquering my enemies, and broadening my demesne.

 

Kathy with a K tapped at the little screen she carried, her long nails clacking against its casing. “It’s not on the market, but I can reach out to the owners and see what it would take to get them to sell.”

 

“Do so, please.” If they weren’t willing to sell, perhaps I could persuade them.

 

(Lucifer denied my idea. He’d said, “Vlad, you can’t declare war on an entire subdivision—that’s not the way things are done these days.” Killjoy.)

 

“Happy to do so. But I’ve got a property that I think you both will love.”